Five years have passed since Pastor Kal and Roxie Hayes defeated the Mystery and saved Shit Creek from the reanimated corpse of John Candy ...
Since then, the Creek has thrived, becoming a commercial and industrial hub in the Outer Systems.
But new threats lurk in the shadows ...
Doogar the Bold strutted from the elevator with his massive arm around Nancy’s shoulder. She smiled lazily. His laughter echoed in the steel corridor leading to his master’s throne room.
The Vampire in black, his blood boiled from the sight of them. Doogar’s bare, spray tanned torso and that stupid black cape ... The longsword at his waist ...
... And Negative Nancy. Her large green eyes and full lips. Her obtrusive cleavage in the leathers of Doogar’s homeworld. She must have accompanied him on his-
“Slavos,” Nancy said with a snap of her fingers. “Stop starring at my breasts.”
The Vampire’s eyes looked to the floor.
Doogar just smiled amiably. “That is SO not fair, Babe. It’s not like they’re not on display.” Then he looked to the Vampire. “Nice tie, Slavy.”
Slavos smoothed out his tie subconsciously. “You are both late. Our Master is waiting.”
“You’re always so serious. You didn’t miss us at all?” Doogar gave Slavos a knowing grin.
Look what I can do, Vampire! Look what I can do that you cannot! I can hold her in my arms! That is what that grin said.
“Come with me,” he ordered them.
Slavos led Nancy and Doogar across the corridor to the massive doors of the throne room. He jabbed at numbers displayed on its touch screen.
“I must warn you about our Master’s transformation,” Slavos told them. “He looks very different now. DO NOT. MAKE. A FUSS.”
They both laughed. “Slav,” Nancy said. “We’ve been down with Satan since forever. We’ve seen weird shit before. We’re cool.”
Slavos entered the final numeral into the pad and the doors parted with a hiss.
Inside, the floor and ceiling was black marble. Numerous windows offered a view of the stars and nothing else. For the Claw drifted far from civilization and authority.
A golden glow flickered from the throne, atop red-carpeted steps.
It came from a sphere of fire with a single black pupil in its center.
Though he did not know how, Doogar understood at once. “Master!? Is that you!?”
“Behold, my servants!” bellowed the flaming eye. “Behold the new form of your Master!”
Doogar and Nancy rushed to the foot of the steps.
“Dude, what did you do to yourself! You’re a big ass ball of fire!” Doogar said.
“Are you okay?” Nancy asked.
“Of course I’m okay!” their Master answered. “I have transcended! This new form is superior in every way! I can shoot flames-”
“Yeah, but you can change back, right!? In your down time and stuff!?”
“Well, no. The transformation is-”
“You can’t change back!?” Nancy shrieked. “Like ever!?”
“I thought you were gonna just grow horns or something!” Doogar shrieked. “Something bad ass!”
“What’s more bad ass than a giant flaming eyeball!?”
“I have to ask!” Nancy told him. “I absolutely have to ask! Can you still do it?”
“Nancy! What a blunt question!”
Nancy gasped and held a hand over her mouth. “Oh my God you can’t! Baby, why would you do this to yourself!? That’s like, the main thing! That’s why we get up in the morning!”
“She’s right!” Doogar exclaimed. “That’s why I started worshipping Satan in the first place! The chicks!”
“My children! There are other ways to serve the Darkest Lord besides fornication! Violence, for example! In this new form I can-”
“Yeah, I’m sure you have a lot of new powers.” Doogar massaged both his temples. “But at the cost of your dick?”
“Alright, now look!” The ball of fire floated down the steps, it’s single, black, catlike eye moving from Doogar to Nancy. “I did not bring you two here to second guess MY choice of transformation! I brought you here because our church is facing a crisis that must be dealt with immediately! So can we please stop talking about this?”
Nancy and Doogar backed away from the flames. They both opened their mouths but neither could find words.
They just nodded.
“Great! Thank you! Slavos, would you please fill them in?”
The Vampire cleared his throat. Nancy and Doogar realized he had been standing beside them the entire time. “As you now know our Master’s new form leaves him without genitalia-”
“I apologize, Master, but it is to the point. To ensure succession he conceived many potential heirs before the transformation occurred. This was done in one night, in Miami Beach. On Spring Break.”
“And whose brilliant idea was that, Slavos?”
It was your idea, Master, Slavos thought.
“It was my idea, Master,” Slavos said. “Once more, I would like to apologize for my foolishness.”
“So what happened?” Nancy asked. “How many ... did you manage to ...”
“The exact opposite of Jesus Christ!” Doogar shouted as he raised his hand for a high five his Master could not deliver.
Slavos sighed deeply. “Spring Break was a bad choice. It would appear carrying the heir to the Satanic Throne does not greatly appeal to young women in this age. All but one decided to terminate the pregnancy ...”
Nancy’s brow wrinkled. “Wow. Four hundred abortions ...”
“Three hundred and ninety-nine,” Slavos corrected. “The last vessel attempted to trap a young man into marriage but he committed suicide instead. Just our misfortune. Her twitter account confirms she will now go through with the termination. We must get to her first.”
“That’s where you two come in.” Their Master’s eye shifted to Nancy and Doogar. “Slavos has a hard time traveling in daylight and I’m a giant ball of fire. You two must capture the vessel and bring her to me. On the Claw, we can make certain the heir is cared for ...”
“Shit, I love kids,” Nancy said. “Where’s the chick?”
Slavos raised a long, slender finger. “It would appear our last vessel is the daughter of a conservative politician. She wants the procedure done far from home. You will travel to the small city of Shit Creek, on the planet of the same name.”
Nancy rolled her eyes. “I’ve been there before.”
Doogar drew his blade and held it to the ceiling. “I guarantee success, my Master!”
“I have faith in you, my servant! Allow me to bless you with my sacred flame! It is just one of many new pow-”
The Master’s circumference suddenly contracted! Flames erupted from his pupil! And suddenly Doogar the Bold was covered in fire from head to toe!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” was all he could manage as the fire licked skin and muscle from his bones.
“Shit!!!” Nancy cried as Doogar’s arms flailed through the air. “What did you just do!?”
“Oh Sweet Lord Satan! I still don’t have control of these things! Slavos, get the fire exting-”
But it was too late. In a last, desperate attempt to escape the pain, Doogar took off running ...
... right into Negative Nancy.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” was all she could manage as Doogar tackled her to the ground and fire licked the skin and muscle from her bones.
Slavos’s jaw hit the ground. He raised a hand to the fires. He mouthed, Nancy ...
“Slavos!” his Master shouted. “Get the fire extinguisher!”
The vampire looked around wildly. “Where is it!?”
“Uh ... I think it’s in the cargo bay! We haven’t finished unpacking!”
But it was too late for Negative Nancy and Doogar the Bold. They lay there, still, the fires roaring.
For a time the Master and his servant just watched in silence.
“Dammit, Slavos! This is your fault!”
“I ... I know, Master.”
“The sacred flame is WAY advanced! Don’t let me try shit like that till I’m ready!”
“Yes, Master. I’ll ... I’ll fetch the fire extinguisher ...”
And Slavos hurried from the room.