The Battle of Rape Dungeon …
Some will pretend it never happened …
But it did happen.
God help us, it did happen …
In Seattle's finest S&M Club ...
Part 11: The Battle of Rape Dungeon
So Cornelius Shuttlecock landed next to Gavin Gayheart, who wiped the blood from his long sword.
The Knight in his armor and the magic user in his robes and pointed hat.
The two looked toward the only living souls left among the dozens of burnt or hacked up corpses.
From the brightly lit stage, the witch in a black swim suit screamed in frustration. The Shitkickers were eager to calm their mistress. God, the Super Saiyan, Miffy the Sailor Moon drag queen and Gay Dicky, the shirtless leather man in a Richard Nixon mask, all assured her the same thing. They would kill Gayheart and Shuttlecock, and take some part off their body as a trophy.
“The blood!” was all she could say, swatting God's hand from her shoulder.
“IT'S OKAY, MOM,” God assured her. “WE'LL GET YOU ALL THE BLOOD YOU'LL NEED!”
Miffy nodded. “Honest engine!”
It was then Shuttlecock made the offer. “Tell us where you keep our King, Miranda! Then we shall spare your life!”
The Shitkickers stepped forward, each one ready to defend her.
She took a deep breath. “It's fine. This land is overflowing with the easily manipulated. I'll simply build another following. In truth, I'm glad to finally test my skills against my uncle in one on one combat.”
“You bore no fruit last time, Miranda ...”
“Last time I didn't have the Shitkickers to keep your boyfriend busy.”
The power trio murmured in agreement.
“Uhm, Corny?” Gayheart looked over the massive band members. “Has the spell not been broken? It seems like it has not been broken with these larger gentlemen ...”
“Yes, don't worry, Gavin, they're probably a great deal more powerful than the others. Perhaps they sold their souls. They have that look about them. No match for a Lakewood Knight though! You have nothing to worry about.”
“Very well then Miranda. Let the battle begin! This time I will prove once and for all that good always triumphs over evil! And wherever there is a light to-”
The Witch interrupted the magician again, this time by hurling a large fireball. “LEAVE THE MAGICIAN TO ME, CHILDREN! AND TAKE CARE NOT TO KILL THE KNIGHT! I PROMISED TO BURN HIM ALIVE NOT SO LONG AGO!”
The Shitkickers Patrick Swayzed off the stage and sprinted towards Gayheart.
“Be quick about this, Corny! I am outnumbered.”
“Come, Gavin! They are but men!”
And it was then the battle of Rape Dungeon began!
Shuttlecock and the Witch pitched bolts of lighting at one another as Gayheart thrust his blade at God's chest. He could not connect with his target, who leapt high into the air, nearly touching the ceiling before landing on the other side of the Dungeon.
Another foe immediately entered the Knight's striking range, Miffy wearing his tragically tight school girl outfit. Caught in mid thrust, Gayheart was forced to slash downward and diagonally. But like God, Miffy too was faster than Gayheart anticipated. He just sidestepped his off balanced opponent.
Gayheart tried to regain his footing. But the third Shitkicker, Gay Dicky, threw an over hand right, connecting with Gayheart's helmet. It should have broken his hand.
Meanwhile, Shuttlecock forced Miranda into some lateral movement across the massive stage. But could not score a direct hit. So strong was her defense.
Soon he stopped trying, focusing all his attention on deflecting her lightning.
This brought a sneer to the Witch's face. “It seems we're evenly matched. At least when it comes to this particular school of magic.”
Shuttlecock shrugged. “I taught you well. But let us see how well you paid attention … in conjuration class!”
Grabbing the air in front of him, he jerked his arm back, pulling up large chunks of the dance floor. Exposed earth rose from the debris in the form of a man; a golem that grew ten feet high.
“Too easy!” Miranda snapped. “You'll remember my marks in conjuration were much higher than yours, Uncle!”
A prideful snort escaped Shuttlecock as the golem cracked its knuckles. “You were sleeping with your teacher!”
“Professor Redknapp was gay!”
“Then you took him shopping or some such thing! You always had your shortcuts!”
“I always had imagination. Behold!”
Miranda ripped up more floor, forming an oriental dragon from the cold earth. At least twenty feet in length! The serpentine monster flew into the ceiling, bounced off and circled the massive nightclub before locking in on its target.
It roared! With teeth the size of the golems head.
“Is that a dragon?” Gayheart asked as he dodged a blow from God's ceremonial knife and attempted to straighten his dented helmet. Then it hit him. “IS THAT A DRAGON!?”
It was then Gay Dicky successfully tackled the Knight. The sword flew from his hands. God reached down and pulled off the helmet as they hit the floor.
The dragon meanwhile, collided with Shuttlecock's golem. The two conjurations ended up crashing into the stage, forcing the Witch to leap off to safety as it shattered.
Managing to clench its jaws upon the golem's arm, the flying beast attempted to sever the limb with a powerful death roll. Shuttlecock's golem rolled with it, causing more damage to the stage.
All the while Gayheart suffered many vicious kicks from Miffy and God. Dicky managed to keep him pinned down.
Luckily the armor absorbed the brunt of these blows, all Gayheart had to do was cover his head. His time came when Miffy and God stepped away, possibly to catch their breath. Lakewood's hero then grabbed Dicky's arm and threw a leg over his head. The leather clad guitarist was immediately arm-barred. His limb broke two seconds later and Gayheart was back on his feet, picking up his sword.
God charged again with the sacrificial knife. But his speed was no longer a surprise. Gayheart simply slashed him across the waist, spilling guts upon the floor. Then he drove his blade into Miffy, who had come running from Gayheart's blind spot. The Knight had heard it. He then looked to the dragon.
“Did not think I'd be fighting one of these tonight!” he said as Miffy hit the floor. “Makes one homesick!”
But a squishing noise drew his attention back to the Shitkickers.
Dicky was back on his feet. The arm fully restored. Miffy was doing well too considering the hole in his chest. God had a little trouble stuffing his innards back inside his torso. The source of all the squishing.
Again they charged, forcing Gayheart to the floor again.
Shuttlecock faced troubles of his own. Miranda was indeed better than him. The golem had lost the arm, and the dragon's powerful bite immediately found its groin.
Focusing on the earth at his disposal, the magician tried to replenished the golem's limb. Dirt flowed from the ground and to the golem. But the dragon scattered it with mighty swats of its tail.
Deciding to end its suffering, Shuttlecock dispersed the golem.
The Red Witch squealed in victory.
Shuttlecock muttered a curse and extended his telepathic reach to the roof. He brought the whole thing down. Literally.
Grateful as Gayheart was for the shield of ice the magician formed over his head, he considered the roof idea a bad one.
The Witch disappeared under an avalanche of wood and stone, as did the Dragon. As did the floor. Whilst most of the Rape Dungeon rested on solid earth, there was an actual dungeon underneath, it seemed. The American's called them basements.
Neither Gayheart nor the Shitkickers were struck by falling debris, but the basement walls were. They collapsed instantly and turned the dance floor into somewhat of a chute. The Knight and his enemies tumbled down the uneven surface. They picked up enough speed for it to hurt like the dickens when they crashed into the remaining brick wall of the lower level. Rolling down the stone steps did not hurt much less.
What have I done!? Shuttlecock went pale as his young friend disappeared into darkness.
Then the sound of stones exploding brought his attention back to the Witch, she shot out from the rubble. Into the exposed night sky. Rain flooded the Rape Dungeon.
Shuttlecock let her go. Flying into the crater of his own making.
“Gavin!?” The magician shook his head violently as he landed. The only way he knew to stop thinking the unthinkable.
He found himself in a dark, narrow hallway. Gayheart was there, leaning against a metal door. His long sword stuck into Miffy's skull. He struggled to free it.
The knight flashed his famous smile. His way of letting Shuttlecock know he was mostly fine. “I suspect they won't get up again if they don't have a brain, Corny. But I could be wrong.”
“I'm sorry Gavin ...”
“No time for grief, old friend! Where is Miranda?”
“She flew away.”
“Fly after her! We must know where the King is.”
“What if he is here?”
“Then I shall find him. Go, Corny!”
The magician nodded and took off in a vertical line. Soon he was high above the city of Seattle. Into the cold. Into the downpour. He called out to his familiar, the pigeon he named Wonder Bread.
Reading the bird's memory, he discovered the Witch had flown past the telephone pole it was sitting upon. She headed in the direction of the tower.
The Space Needle.
Shuttlecock was there in a flash. The wind blew through his beard and robes, it ripped away his fancy hat.
The structure must have stood two hundred meters high! Surely, this was the home of Seattle's King. Shuttlecock hoped to God he too had not fallen under Miranda's spell.
And there she was! The Red Witch, shivering in her skimpy garments! She knelt upon the saucer at the top of the tower. It seemed she had suffered some head injury in the Rape Dungeon's collapse. She held a bloody hand to her head.
“My king, Miranda! Where is he!?”
“He's dead, Uncle!” Her face twisted in sadistic delight. “I had all the blood I needed. I had no further use of him!”
“I don't! He is dead and Lakewood will fall to the Queen! Your democracy is over!”
Tears blinded Shuttlecock and all he could manage was an agonizing “NO!” before flooding Miranda's body with the largest bolt of lightning he had ever hurled at a human target.
The Red Witch could not make a sound as she convulsed inside the storm. As she foamed at the mouth.
When the bereaved Shuttlecock finally let her go, she collapsed and slid from the saucer. She landed awkwardly, breaking a leg and an arm on the Space Needle's observation deck.
Shuttlecock landed with a foot on either side of her body. He could see she was still breathing. It would not take much more to fix that.
But Shuttlecock could not do it. Not to the beautiful red haired girl he used to bounce upon his knee. Not to the child he once lifted into the air so she could pretended to fly.
No matter what she had become. He couldn't do what Gayheart could do. He could only stand above her, covering her body in tears.
Gayheart wiped away Dicky's brains by running the blade along his cuisse. It may have been foolish, considering he was about stab God through the head. But it was a habit. Brain matter greatly disturbed the young knight.
Looking back at Miffy's corpse, it seemed he was right about disabling the brain. Miffy and Dicky would not rise. Who can say how many bard tales would forever be lost with their passing? How many would never even be written?
But as he found out when turning back to the last remaining Shitkicker, God was planning a Last Waltz.
He pushed the Knight through the metal door! It came off its hinges and both men landed upon it.
Inside this room, Gayheart heard a hissing sound. Hissing, and the sound moving metal.
God was on his feet instantly and lifted Gayheart to his. By his neck!
The Shitkicker repeatedly and violently drove his fist into Gayheart's face. He kept the staggering opponent in place by wrapping his other hand around the skull.
Gayheart managed to lift an arm eventually but by then the damage had been done. One of his eyes swelled shut, and blood gushed into the other.
God did not feel the need to work his way around Gayheart's defense. He simply picked the Knight up, like a small child, and threw him across the room.
Definitely sold his soul, the Knight thought before landing forcefully on the concrete.
Upon landing, Gayheart had time to look around this new room. Ignoring the pain would be worth it if something could be used to his advantage.
It was dark, but it was not cold. The room seemed to be heated somehow, though there was no fire. And that was strange to Gayheart because this seemed to be some kind of torture chamber. Chains hung from the ceiling, some with hooks. Slabs with straps clearly meant to restrain grown men stood vertically.
But it was the machine in the center of the room that caught Gayheart's attention as God's footsteps became louder and louder. The source of the hissing.
The machine was about the length and height of a coffee table. Cylinder in shape, it looked much like a steam engine from Lakewood. Like the one Shuttlecock had shown he and King Edward once. Though five times smaller ….
King Edward II, unlike his father, did see potential in the device. But it simply wasn't practical. The thing barely worked. This machine did work! The crank shaft moved fiercely to the left and right, at a speed Gayheart had never imagined possible.
But for what purpose? Certainly not to power a water mill, like the Lakewood machine. No! This was for a far more sinister purpose.
For this steam engine was attached to a long steel cylinder. On the end of that cylinder, made out of a strange black material that Gayheart had never seen before …
Was what looked like a human penis.
It was not a human penis. FOR NO HUMAN PENIS COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT HUMONGOUS!!!
The machine powered the cylinder, which thrust the thing Gayheart's mother once referred to as a schmekle into the air with horrendous force. Again and again, the schmekle violently stabbed an invisible foe.
Gayheart gasped in horror.
What the fuck!?
Why would anybody build this!?
What possible reason would anyone have for such an abomination!?
In the name of everything holy! Why!?
God again lifted Gayheart by the neck, and laughing, dragged him over to the machine.
Our hero struggled fiercely! He did not yet understand what God intended, but did not want to find out!
When God reached the machine, the Knight could make out writing, in large white letters along it's frame. Big Daddy.
Gayheart struggled and struggled, but could not break free from God's grasp.
God kicked the machine, sending it a frenzy. Now the digit defiled the air at even greater speed!
Clamped onto Gayheart's head, the massive mitts of God nearly crushed his skull. Rendered almost unconscious under that crushing hold, the helpless warrior was easily moved closer and closer to the evil John Thomas.
Soon he was close enough that Gayheart could feel the whoosh of the machine's movement through his hair. A black blur ran across his field of vision. At that speed, Gayheart knew the force would be enough to kill him.
But there was nothing that could be done. He was at the end of his strength. The Knight excepted the unconventional method of his death, grateful that no one back home would ever know about it.
But then! A miracle!
“Arrrggggghhhhh!” It was God! He cried out in pain and collapsed on Gayheart! As the Knight hit the ground he could only hear the loud pop that followed. Then that earsplitting boom of the machine's cylinder snap in half.
Then, a very weak but familiar voice. One he couldn't believe he was hearing.
“Yo, Gavin … You alright, man?”
Suddenly the knight had all the energy in the world! Positively full of beans!
Knee by knee he brought himself to a standing position!
King Bob Malik Dylan Shabazz was standing there! Holding an IV stand, bent at the point where it had met God's head. A bag of his own blood dangled from it.
The afro resembled a large bird's nesting area. Drool leaked from his lips, and he could only bring himself to open one eye half the way.
But he was beautiful!
Gayheart bowed before his monarch and kissed his hand.
“I feared the worst!”
The King found it hard to stay balanced. He swayed slightly to one side. “Call me Bob, douche bag. Who's this?”
“That's God, Your Highness.”
The King squinted. “Thought he'd be bigger.”